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Friday, May 22, 2015

May 22nd Weirdness

May 22nd has been a weird day for me, for a long time.

Normally....especially in Minnesota.....the end of May is a joyous time because spring has finally sprung and things are warming up and all of that jazz.  May weather is very different here in Georgia...all that spring has sprung stuff starts back in February.

But, May 22nd is still a weird day for me, because.....this was my son.

I have moved on from the mind numbing grief.  I truly have joy filled days in my life.

But, every May 22nd, I can't help but wonder what our lives would have been like if Stevie had lived. He would have been 16 this year and driving.  It is when I start thinking about stuff like that that it gets weird.... and, yes, sad.

The kids all know about their brother and we talk about him and the other brothers and sisters that they have lost.  We visit his grave when we go up to Minnesota for visits.  The kids  talk about how cool it would be to have 10 kids in our family instead of 6, if I hadn't had the other miscarriages with Peanut Baby and the twins, in addition to Stevie.  In their minds, that would basically mean we would have our own reality t.v. show though!  Emoji

I don't have anything profound to end this post with either.  Other than the fact that Stevie is the reason that I was okay going on and having 6 kids, and I would have more.  Because Stevie showed me that life  is a miracle and yes..... a gift.... that should be freely accepted and enjoyed as long as you can.  I never wanted to say no to that gift. So, I didn't.  I won't.

I hesitated to even post this.  Too personal.  Too hard to fit into a neat little box of types of posts. But I am working on an article about the unrealistic/unattainable ideas we are sending out into the world with our "everything is perfect and wonderful in my life" posts.  So, I am trying to be transparent and not just show the good side of everything.  My life has been wonderful, but moments have certainly not been perfect.

So, here is my moment of transparency for the day.   I am a little sad today.