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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Remote Awakening

Rainman doesn't really watch too much t.v.  He watches sporting events, but not really any shows.  I have converted him into being an NCIS fan though because he has gotten sucked in while walking through the living room or something.  He is so hooked now that when A-girl and L-girl called him at work to ask if they could order this.....and would Daddy Dearest pay for it.  He said yes.

NCIS The Board Game

Yes.  The NCIS board game.

Who knew, right?  It arrived yesterday and there was debate about playing at soon as Rainman got home from work.  However, the kids neglected to take into account the one show that Rainman is obsessed with.  And, when I say "obsessed", I mean it.

Rainman LOVES The Voice.  He laughs at the antics of Adam and Blake.  He predicts, quite accurately, who each singer is going to choose for their coach.  He loves it all.  Well, except the background interviews.  He could do without that nonsense, and I love those little snippets into their real lives.

So, he came in last night grabbed his dinner and plopped down on the couch, ready for his show.  He had to wait a few minutes because the two big girls were off doing something.  I had the showed all cued up on the DVR and paused.....ready for action.

So, while we waited, I crocheted.

Now, a little known tidbit about Rainman.  Rainman is not a man known for his patience.  So, before I knew it, he had snatched the remote from the arm of my chair and was trying to flip through and see what else was on.

The only problem was that we were recording 4 shows at once, so he couldn't watch anything else.  I told him that was why I had The Voice all ready to go.  Then, for some crazy reason, he did the unthinkable.  He announced that he was going to be in charge of the remote that night.

Seriously, the girls and I all sort of looked at each other with slightly panicked looks on our faces.

Rainman is also not known to be Mr. Technology.

He tends to super Fast Forward and then start pushing buttons sort of randomly trying to get them to do what he wants.  You know?

(Yes, I know they spelled "dangerously" wrong...but it still cracked me up)

He actually did fine last night.  Only skipped a few parts of the interviews and only fast forwarded through a little of the judge banter.

But, I discovered something about myself.

Apparently,  I have remote "control" issues.  Ha!

When I am watching in the living room - which really is "my" room.  I mean, I have my own chair and everything.   A little bit like Archie Bunker.....people can sit in it when I am not in the room, but as soon as I come in, I give them the old "get out" thumb and everything.

I am also usually in charge of the remote, unless, I am busy writing or eating or something and then I bestow the honor of the remote onto someone else.....and that someone else is really, never, Rainman.

I found myself clutching my crochet hook a little tighter, curling my toes a bit at the times when I would have stopped fast forwarding and he didn't.  I suppose it is a little like teaching your kids to drive and you step on your invisible brake or clutch the door when you are going around a corner.

I did not like it one bit that I didn't have the remote in my hands.  I couldn't adjust volume as kids (we have a few hold outs in our group) came in and out to ask questions.  I couldn't pause when I could hear the fight over loading the dishwasher start to escalate.

I like to be in control of "my" remote.  I have to laugh at myself though.  He even commented that he had done pretty well and hadn't skipped any of the parts that I wanted to see.  But, for me, it was not really a relaxing few hours of television.  can relax more if I have the remote.

Wonder if he feels the same?  I wonder if he is usually on the edge of his seat wanting me to press play, pause, or ff?

Maybe we can talk about it.  He and I are due for one of our "talks"  I am sure using quotation marks a lot today, aren't I? (But, I am going to assume you know what I am doing when I am using them....even though that isn't the correct usage for them.  Don't worry, I am not teaching this method to my homeschooled kids!)

Anyway, Rainman and I are not in one of our smooth sailing portions of our marriage.  We have been terse and snappy and frustrated with each other.  There have been miscommunication and misunderstandings floating around us each and every time we try to talk to each other.

So, it is time for  The problem, with me, is that I am not so good at getting my point across clearly, if I am upset or angry.  I either cry or shut down.  So, what I usually do if Rainman and I need to talk about something.  I write him a letter first.  Oh, how he hates getting those 12 pages letters.  But, I sort of love them, because I know....I know....that my feelings and my thoughts and opinions aren't being misconstrued or that he will get distracted by my tears.  They are concrete.  Letters work for us.  Even if they end up making him angry at the moment, he has time to think and be calm by the time we come together to actually talk.  It works.

I have known that he and I needed to talk for a while now.  He even knows.  He has even said a few times, "We need to talk."  I know, right?  The husband said those 4 little words!  He is a good one.  Really.  Even though he has been annoying me, misunderstanding me and generally making me just want to avoid him lately...I know he loves me.  He is a good husband.

I know that he and I will be all right, in the end.  But, getting us there.  Figuring out how to talk to each other....what we have to say to each a way that the other will be able to truly one of those hard parts of marriage that people don't tell you about.

I know we will be fine though.  I do.  One night recently, Rainman and I had an actual, out loud fight.  It escalated to the point that we were both pretty much yelling.  Seriously, people that never happens. I am not a yeller.  He is a loud talker, but not a yeller either.  At the end of it, I yelled, "I'm done.  I am done."  I meant I was done arguing and was walking away.

A-girl was already in bed and sort of heard yelling, but didn't really know what had happened until V-girl talked to her the next day.  V-girl asked her, "Are mom and dad going to break up?  Mom said she was done."

Luckily, all my kids know how Rainman and I actually feel about each other, because A-girl, instead of being scared, laughed and told V-girl that we were NOT going to break up....then she came and told me, so I could have a talk with her too.

With all this evidence, I really should have recognized that something was going on with me that wasn't normal.  I should have.  I am a fairly calm, cool and collected person and here I was yelling at Rainman.

One night, I even slammed the bathroom door and whispered a swear word.


I whispered a swear word.  (Sorry, mom)  Not like me at all, but I still didn't see it.

Rainman actually had, what I jokingly call an intervention, with me about a week before I went in for my latest blood work.

He asked me to come out and sit on the porch swing.....for no reason.

Suspicious behavior.

I sat there with my arms folded across my chest the whole time.  (Just call me Teenage Kayla.)  He tried to look earnestly into my eyes and tell me he was worried about me.  That he loved me.  That I seemed like a different person....not the woman he married.  I was an angry, unhappy person.  "What is wrong?" he asked.  "Maybe you should talk to your doctor."

I still didn't see it.  Even as I sat there angrily wondering when he was going to be done and I could get up and leave.  My thoughts were all in the realm of, "Who does he think he is?!!?"

I mentioned what Rainman had said to my doctor before the bloodwork and you could tell he was trying to hold back laughter and made some comment about perhaps it was some early menopausal mood change or something.  Even he didn't attribute the issue to my thyroid.

Then, we got my blood work back and found out about my low....really low....calcium levels.  The paperwork I got from the hospital listed symptoms as things like:  increased irritability, personality changes, depression/unhappiness.


Maybe Rainman was right after all.

We still need to "talk", but I haven't had the time to get my thoughts in order - on paper - yet.  I may not actually write him a letter, but I have found that I do actually need notes when I have big stuff to talk about....otherwise I get too easily sidetracked and forget stuff.

So, if you have a chance this afternoon.....say a quick prayer that our "talk" goes well.  I am still not myself. But, there are some things that he and I need to tackle and address so they don't fester and create more problems later.  Plus, I need to explain how I am actually feeling inside - and now I won't feel so weak or like I am a loser - since I know it has an actual reason and will get better.  It isn't just me being crazy.  Although I never thought that I was the one acting crazy....hmmmm...