Love Is.....

Today is my 19th wedding anniversary to Rainman.  We snuck away for a miniscule amount of time...so I am reposting this article I wrote back in February about what love actually is....

Remember that comic strip from the 70’s, Love Is…..? They had the little naked people extolling little “love” snippets of wisdom. Remember that one? That was my first introduction to thinking about love. I remember reading that comic strip, feeling slightly creeped out that they were naked, but also feeling wishful that someday that would be me….in love. (Insert breathy sigh here…..)

I was a voracious reader when I was in high school. I think my mom would haul me back and forth to the library every Saturday morning for a new stash of books (I will have to ask her if I am remembering that right). I read a lot of things. I read Science Fiction, Action/Adventure, but, I also read a LOT of Harlequin Romances. They were pretty innocent back then. No heaving bosoms or anything. In lots of those, the couple would fight through the whole book and finally realize on the last few pages that they were meant for each other! Or, the heroine would be a young innocent 19 or 20 year old with her first job, of course, as a secretary who knew shorthand, and the hero would be the rich, foreign businessman that would boss her around for the whole book and then, finally, on the last few pages start being nice, because he realized he was in love.

I am not sure if mom knew that I was reading romances or not. I may have hidden those ones between the other, more scholarly looking books. But, my thought process on what the man/woman relationship should be, was being formed. Yes, by my parents and others I knew in real life, but, also every t.v. show I watched, and every book that I read. Let me tell you, the thoughts that were being formed were creating a very unrealistic idea of romantic love. Very unrealistic.

I desperately wanted to be in love. To be loved. Of course, he would be handsome and rich. Of course, he would take me on whirlwind adventures and buy me things. Of course, we wouldn’t argue (even the young, naive me knew that wasn’t what ideal couples did!) Of course, he wouldn’t ever be gross or rude.

And, of course, I didn’t get asked out in high school.

I pretended that it didn’t bother me and kept busy with….everything I could. But, I was totally bummed out and felt like a loser. Wanting to have a boyfriend pretty much consumed my every waking thought.  Uggg, when I think of the time and opportunities I wasted on the pursuit of….love/boys.

Ahhhh, the foolishness of youth.

As someone who has come out the other side and survived numerous bad relationships from my first boyfriend, as a freshman in college, who was a pastoral student who didn’t like the attention I got when I sang and totally and completely broke my heart. To the pot smoking biker, with the wallet chained to his pants. To the, pretty sure he was slightly corrupt, police officer, that was 18 years my senior (Want to be a little creeped out? He was fighting in Vietnam the year I was born.) To the very bad, very brief, very unhealthy first marriage. I feel like I know a thing or two about love now. Real love.

I definitely feel like I know the difference between the important things and the not so important things now, when it comes to love. Things that teenage me, or even young 20’s me, wouldn’t have understood….or, would have even thought about.

Important things like:

Looks really aren’t that important. The man you fall in love with might have really gross feet. You will probably gain weight after having children. The man you fall in love with won’t care at all about how much you gained or how long you keep the baby weight. He really, really won’t.

Sadly, the lessons I learned about love, came from the failures. They were heart breaking, gut wrenching, and even downright stupid ways to learn. My hope is that somehow I can pass along these lessons to my children, so they don’t have to learn the hard way, like I did. Unrealistic? Maybe. But a mom can hope, can’t she?

I learned about someone truly loving me for me, not the package, by being married to someone who was all about the package. I won’t go into detail about that marriage, but, he seemed to love me (or be kind to me) only if I kept the house clean, and washed the dishes when he thought they should be washed. He hid food from me…for, in his own words, “my own good”, because he wanted me to “look like the woman he married”. The tall, slim beauty pageant blonde he was proud to be seen with. We got divorced.

I am still a little ashamed to be a divorced woman. That was absolutely not part of my plan for romantic love or my life. But, I am. It is what it is.

But, I learned.

I am happily married now, to Rainman. Someone who, much to my children’s embarrassment, is “all over me” size 8 or size 22….because….he loves ME….even when there are dirty dishes piled on every available inch of counter space, and when there is laundry, toys, and school projects strewn all over the living room.

Rainman really and truly loves me…for…me.

I want my children to learn from my many, many mistakes. I want them to know what is important in love and in life. I want them to know that boring is good. You don’t need drama, or even “chemistry” to be happy in love.

I didn’t think Rainman was cute on our first date, but, we closed down Baker’s Square that night, because we couldn’t stop talking. I didn’t like the way he was dressed. He had what I jokingly refer to as “anchorman hair”. I didn’t like the fact that he was Catholic. Since I didn’t even think he was cute, he and I certainly didn’t have any of the oft touted “chemistry” that everyone says is so crucial to a relationship. But, did you catch the part about us closing down Baker’s Square because we couldn’t stop talking?

Guess what? I think he is super cute now. We have had 9 pregnancies with 6 children to show for it, in our 18 years of marriage. Those children are in an almost constant state of embarrassment from us being so “into” each other. So, guess how our “chemistry” is now?

Rainman isn’t romantic. Never has been. Never will be.  I have survived. (Here is my dirty little secret….I am not really the right kind of girl to be on the receiving end of romantic gestures either. I roll my eyes at flowers, jewelry and mushy sentiments being expressed. So, I guess we were meant to be. LOL)

Rainman isn’t a lot of things. He isn’t selfish. He isn’t picky. He isn’t concerned about how I look.

Love Isn’t…..

Love Isn’t…..flowery words and gifts.

Love Isn’t…..romance.

Love Isn’t…..only for the good looking, rich people.

Love Isn’t….. going to stop bad things from happening to you. They will.

I want my kids to know that you will have days where you wake up and say, “Who is this person I married?” You might even say, “Why did I marry this person?”

I also want them to know this very important thing:

You will not always like the person you married.

That one shocked me. Scared me, even. Nobody told me that one (they didn’t tell me about morning breath and kissing either). But, once I figured it out for myself, I could scroll back through memories of couples that I have known – my parents included – and realize that it was true. It did not mean that I had made a horrible mistake in marrying Rainman. It certainly didn’t mean that I should cut my losses and start over with someone else. It was normal. It would pass. I would once again like, and fall in love with this super nice, and yes, slightly annoying, man.

Love Is…

Love Is…..your husband making sure you have a full tank of gas.

Love Is…..your husband going to the grocery store…so you don’t have to.

Love Is…..watching your husband make your kids giggle…..every single day.

Love Is…..being with someone who isn’t tied up with image….yours or his own.

Love Is…..your husband giving YOU a massage, even though you are a massage therapist.

Sometimes, love does NOT come in the package or the way you envisioned, (sometimes it is a size 22 – me, sometimes it is attached to a person with gross toenails – Rainman), but it can be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Rainman and I make absolutely no sense on paper, but we are awesome in real life. Boring, but awesome!

Not Just a Sunday Thing - Week 2

How did your week go? Were you able to take your first 5 minutes and spend them with God?  Were you able to make your faith and Christianity Not Just a Sunday Thing?

Want to know how I did?

Well, day 1....was a total bomb.

Yes, that is right.  Monday - the day after I made my big pronouncement about the importance of spending the first 5 minutes of my day with God - I totally forgot.

Totally.

I just got wound up with my life and my people and my To Do list and...I just forgot.


Until a friend of mine, texted me and thanked me for my post and shared with me that she had started her day with Jesus and how awesome it was.

Uggg.....can you even believe it?

Don't answer that.

Tuesday was much better.  I actually, successfully got up before everyone in my house and was able to sit down with my coffee and spend some quiet time...just praying and talking to God.

I may or may not have starting my morning prayer time with the words, "Are you there, God?  It's me...Kayla...."

Out of 6 days, probably 4 of them were pretty much just what I had pictured in my head in my first post.

Really and  truly, just sitting in my Archie Bunker chair in the living room, in the still dark outside, wee small hours of the morning, with my mug of hot coffee, praying and spending time with God.

The other 2 or so,  didn't happen like I had pictured - either little people got up at the same time as me, which threw me off and got my mind running around or I just let myself get busy right away and didn't start with God.

I definitely noticed a difference in my days.

Care to hazard a guess as to which ones just went better?

The days that I started with God were just as busy as usual, but I found myself having little moments throughout my day that I had to mentally pause and notice.

Little moments of joy or laughter.  Moments where I had to just stop and laugh at something the kids said or did.  I couldn't stop the joy from bubbling over and out into the world.

(that just reminded me of this canvas L-girl did with an Audrey Hepburn quote)

Not that I wouldn't have noticed those funny things on a non-prayer day, but I had moments where I actually threw my head back and laughed (then thought in my head - wow, I am really enjoying this moment).  I am not sure if I am making any sense to you, but, to me, it makes sense.  Ha!

I feel like on the days that I started with God, my focus and perspective was where it was supposed to be...yes, I still had to do all the crap that was waiting for me...but, I had the underlying sense that the people and those..moments....were really the important things.

Not sure if I am explaining myself well or not.  It was just a subtle, internal focus change that seemed to make all the difference in the world.

So, I am going to take the hint and continue with my first 5 with/for God thingie this week.  Anyone else want to join me?  I wouldn't mind having someone else to nudge me back to where I am supposed to be when I let everything else crowd in and take over....you know?

Senior Year for D-man

D-man is a senior this year.  I can hardly believe it.  Really.  It went fast.

He is such a nice, sweet guy.  He has a sweet girlfriend.

He really, really is a nice guy.  I saw more of his nice/sweet side while we were on vacation than I do on a typical day around here though. (but, let's be honest, he could probably say the same thing about me too)

We are busy at home.  We are all going our own way, managing our own To Do lists and people get cranky.

He has had a few favorite colleges picked out for a while now.  He has applied at 2 of them, so far, and heard back from one.  The University of Alabama has accepted and offered 2/3 of his out of state tuition - which comes out to like $17,500 or something ridiculous like that!  Translation:  It is an expensive school.

He is very close to having a 4.0 GPA for his high school years.  Want to know why he doesn't actually have one?

Freshman year - homeschool - French class - with his mother as his teacher.

Yup, me.  I am the reason that he doesn't have a 4.0 GPA.  Because of "me" he only has 3.97 or something like that....because I gave him an 89.  But, I will say it was definitely a fair grade.  He wasn't trying that hard and he didn't care.  I kept warning him, but, I think he was really thinking that I wouldn't actually give him a B....but I did....and now, just like everyone warned him....it has come back to haunt him.

Okay, "haunt" might be too big of a word, but you know what I mean.  He blames me for his lack of a 4.0.

 I blame him.

We shall see if it causes any problems, I guess.

D-man is a really smart guy, but both Rainman and I have been sensing that he doesn't really get how much college is going to cost....even if he gets the Hope or Zell Miller tuition scholarships for Georgia residents.  Tuition is the cheapest part of heading off to college.  And, none of us want him to have to take out many...if any....student loans....that will be with him for years and years after he graduates.

I have tried talking to him about money and his plans.  He proclaims that he is working and saving and everything will be fine.  But, then he buys some more Twenty One Pilots merchandise or goes out to eat again.....and Rainman and I wonder.

So, I thought I would put it in black and white for him.  I made a spreadsheet with his colleges of choice and put in all the data that I could find about true cost of attendance, I factored in expected or offered scholarships and came up with the dollar amount left to cover....and then divided that into 9 months to show him how much money he was going to need to come up with every month.

For every school, if he doesn't get any more scholarship options, it boiled down to him needing close to $2,000 a month.  Crazy money.

He wasn't phased at all and said something about it being less than he had thought.

So, my little spreadsheet idea may have backfired.  I am trying to do that parenting thing where you try to suggest and guide, but then stand back and hope that things go well for them when they really pick their path.  Ugg....it is hard.

On a totally fun note,  D-man thinks he wants to be a pharmacist and when he took his ACT and SAT this last year marked that somewhere on there, so he is being sent college stuff almost everyday.

This one was my favorite!

They sent an actual pill bottle filled with information through the mail....just like this, no envelope or anything..  Oh and check this out!

Can you read those "warnings"?  LOL

I almost want him to go to this school just because this was so clever.  Really.

Except that it is really far away from us.....so, nevermind.