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Saturday, July 11, 2015

Yes! This!

I saw this video this morning on Facebook and thought to myself....Yes.  This. This how I have felt for so long now.

It is sort of funny to watch a polar bear do it, but not so funny when you are trying to live your life and are dragging your head around, you know?

We have been trying to adjust my thyroid medication since my surgery. Started with one type.  That wasn't working spectacularly, so we switched.  We also realized that my vitamin D and calcium levels were really, really low.  So, I started supplements for those.

I felt better and more like myself....for a little while....then, it sort of gradually declined.  So slowly, that I was thinking it was all in my head.

Was I just becoming lazy?

I was feeling sort of "foggy" throughout my days.  Here, but sort of not here.  Hard to explain, but I just wasn't thought or deed.

I had a follow up appointment with my doctor last week and told him that I was still tired and not feeling like myself, but not so much that I could pinpoint anything.  I sort of trailed off at the end like, "....maybe this is just how I am....and I forgot....maybe I am just kind of lazy...."

My sweet, wonderful doctor, did a little half smile and told me that we would see what the blood work showed and save our judgments and self recriminations until after we got the data.

We got the results back and I am happy to report it wasn't just in my head.  My TSH numbers were way off.  So, we have increased my dosage of this second medication (so far I feel no different).

I am still tired as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.  I am still fuzzy and disconnected.  The only thing I do feel different about is I am mentally kicking myself a lot less. Although it is hard because, I do sort of feel like a loser.  My house is messier than normal.  I have gained back every bit of weight that I lost last year.  Seemingly mundane tasks like cooking my family dinner or getting laundry done just seem.....daunting.

I know Rainman is quietly feeling frustrated with me.  Thankfully I am married to a really great guy and he isn't saying or doing anything mean to me.  He just stomps a little bit when he has to load/unload the dishwasher...again....when he gets home from work.  That is when my brain kicks in and says, "Oh, yeah....that is what I was supposed to have the kids do before he got home."   Then it cycles into thoughts (when I let them) like "I am such a loser.  I am so stupid. I am such a horrible wife."

I cycles even further down that bad rabbit hole of thoughts, when I try to get dressed and things that fit me a few months ago now don't.  My wardrobe options at this size are already quite limited and even more so now that I have gained that weight back.  I don't want to go out and buy more "big lady" clothes.  I don't want to be that big lady.  I don't want to wear most of the styles that are available in big lady clothes.  But, when I am in the thick of it and letting my thoughts cycle downward, I just think, "I give up.  I am just going to be the big lady....pass the ice cream."

Much like a teenage girl, my self esteem still seems to revolve around how I think I look.  Even though I tell my kids that it is who you are that matters, NOT how you look.  I know that deep down inside....but, when you look in the mirror at the tight, ill fitting is hard to believe it.

It does not help that we are getting ready to leave for Rainman's family reunion where I will be surrounded by his family who is 99.9%  slim and trim and eats/drinks as much as they want.  They are just naturally slim people and I don't think they have any concept for people who aren't built like them.  I love them.  They are wonderful, funny, fun people.  It is just hard to be around them and not feel like...well....a big, fat, loser.

In reading through symptoms of hypo-thyroid issues....brain fog, fatigue and depression are all listed there.  I think I am definitely at that point.  Again, it is frustrating to be able to identify a problem, but not really be equipped to do anything about it, or to take the time necessary to find the right balance of medications to help.

It is definitely a downward all aspects.  I don't have energy, so I don't work my Jamberry business.  I don't work at my Jamberry business, so I don't make any extra money.  I don't make any extra money, so I feel bad about myself.  I feel bad about myself, so I don't care about my appearance.  I feel bad about my appearance, so I don't want to do things.  I don't do things, so I sit around my house and feel bad.

Blah, blah, blah.  Whine, whine, whine.  Right?

Good thing I have an all powerful God who knows me and loves me.  I know that.  I believe that.  I preach it to my kids.  Your worth is not tied into how you look....or even how much you accomplish.  I even have a fantastic husband that doesn't love me based on my looks (or even how great of a housekeeper I am).  

I need to beat myself over the head with that knowledge right now.....because, I really do feel like the polar bear shoving my face and upper body across the snow.  I really do.

Somehow, even though all my doctors told me it might take up to a year to get everything balanced just right in my system and for me to feel like myself wasn't supposed to apply to me.  I was supposed to bounce back and be "me" right away.

It is always a huge bummer when you realize you aren't a super hero, but just a regular, old, person.