Yes! This!

I saw this video this morning on Facebook and thought to myself....Yes.  This. This how I have felt for so long now.

It is sort of funny to watch a polar bear do it, but not so funny when you are trying to live your life and are dragging your head around, you know?

We have been trying to adjust my thyroid medication since my surgery. Started with one type.  That wasn't working spectacularly, so we switched.  We also realized that my vitamin D and calcium levels were really, really low.  So, I started supplements for those.

I felt better and more like myself....for a little while....then, it sort of gradually declined.  So slowly, that I was thinking it was all in my head.

Was I just becoming lazy?

I was feeling sort of "foggy" throughout my days.  Here, but sort of not here.  Hard to explain, but I just wasn't myself....in thought or deed.

I had a follow up appointment with my doctor last week and told him that I was still tired and not feeling like myself, but not so much that I could pinpoint anything.  I sort of trailed off at the end like, "....maybe this is just how I am....and I forgot....maybe I am just kind of lazy...."

My sweet, wonderful doctor, did a little half smile and told me that we would see what the blood work showed and save our judgments and self recriminations until after we got the data.

We got the results back and I am happy to report it wasn't just in my head.  My TSH numbers were way off.  So, we have increased my dosage of this second medication (so far I feel no different).

I am still tired as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.  I am still fuzzy and disconnected.  The only thing I do feel different about is I am mentally kicking myself a lot less. Although it is hard because, I do sort of feel like a loser.  My house is messier than normal.  I have gained back every bit of weight that I lost last year.  Seemingly mundane tasks like cooking my family dinner or getting laundry done just seem.....daunting.

I know Rainman is quietly feeling frustrated with me.  Thankfully I am married to a really great guy and he isn't saying or doing anything mean to me.  He just stomps a little bit when he has to load/unload the dishwasher...again....when he gets home from work.  That is when my brain kicks in and says, "Oh, yeah....that is what I was supposed to have the kids do before he got home."   Then it cycles into thoughts (when I let them) like "I am such a loser.  I am so stupid. I am such a horrible wife."

I cycles even further down that bad rabbit hole of thoughts, when I try to get dressed and things that fit me a few months ago now don't.  My wardrobe options at this size are already quite limited and even more so now that I have gained that weight back.  I don't want to go out and buy more "big lady" clothes.  I don't want to be that big lady.  I don't want to wear most of the styles that are available in big lady clothes.  But, when I am in the thick of it and letting my thoughts cycle downward, I just think, "I give up.  I am just going to be the big lady....pass the ice cream."

Much like a teenage girl, my self esteem still seems to revolve around how I think I look.  Even though I tell my kids that it is who you are that matters, NOT how you look.  I know that deep down inside....but, when you look in the mirror at the tight, ill fitting clothes....it is hard to believe it.

It does not help that we are getting ready to leave for Rainman's family reunion where I will be surrounded by his family who is 99.9%  slim and trim and eats/drinks as much as they want.  They are just naturally slim people and I don't think they have any concept for people who aren't built like them.  I love them.  They are wonderful, funny, fun people.  It is just hard to be around them and not feel like...well....a big, fat, loser.

In reading through symptoms of hypo-thyroid issues....brain fog, fatigue and depression are all listed there.  I think I am definitely at that point.  Again, it is frustrating to be able to identify a problem, but not really be equipped to do anything about it, or to take the time necessary to find the right balance of medications to help.

It is definitely a downward spiral....in all aspects.  I don't have energy, so I don't work my Jamberry business.  I don't work at my Jamberry business, so I don't make any extra money.  I don't make any extra money, so I feel bad about myself.  I feel bad about myself, so I don't care about my appearance.  I feel bad about my appearance, so I don't want to do things.  I don't do things, so I sit around my house and feel bad.

Blah, blah, blah.  Whine, whine, whine.  Right?

Good thing I have an all powerful God who knows me and loves me.  I know that.  I believe that.  I preach it to my kids.  Your worth is not tied into how you look....or even how much you accomplish.  I even have a fantastic husband that doesn't love me based on my looks (or even how great of a housekeeper I am).  

I need to beat myself over the head with that knowledge right now.....because, I really do feel like the polar bear shoving my face and upper body across the snow.  I really do.

Somehow, even though all my doctors told me it might take up to a year to get everything balanced just right in my system and for me to feel like myself again....it wasn't supposed to apply to me.  I was supposed to bounce back and be "me" right away.

It is always a huge bummer when you realize you aren't a super hero, but just a regular, old, person.

Transparency - What is Real?

I am working on an article about social media and its effect on teenagers, specifically teenage girls.  I was talking to one of my daughter's friends and a few of the things she said about her journey trying to let go of social media and some of the pitfalls, got me to thinking about my life and my blog.

She talked about feeling almost constantly judged.  People making mean comments or being snarky if they didn't like what she was wearing, or if they disagreed with her opinion on something.  She talked about seeing these pictures of other people's lives and knowing that they were having a lot more fun than her.

I tell my big kids all the time not to believe what they see on the internet.  And I am not just talking about about news stories.  I don't want them  to think that everyone else is having fun, fantastic times and going out all the time.  It sure can look like that though, since everybody posts every little thing about their lives.  But, a lot of it isn't real.

Which got me to thinking.....

Do I actually show you my real life?

Should I show you the real in my life?

I am in the middle of my rock and hard place.  I want to keep some privacy for the family, but I also want our stories out there.  I want my family and friends that no longer live near us to feel like they are getting a glimpse of the people my kids are turning into.  But, I don't want creeps looking at my site or my pictures and being able to find us because I have been so open.

I want to be real and relatable.  I do.  I want to be able to be an encouragement to other moms...homeschooling moms....moms with big families.....moms that don't live near family members.

But, I have to be honest, I carefully select the reality that I share with you all.

I carefully select and retake pictures of myself to post, so I look good.  So, I don't look too fat.  When the fact is....I am actually fat. I am not just a little overweight.  I don't just have a few of those stubborn baby pounds to lose.  Truth is......I have about 100 pounds to lose.  I legitimately could be a contestant on the Biggest Loser (A-man even told me that last year when he saw one of the contestants and thought she looked about the same as me. "Mom!  You should go on this show!"  )

So, yes, I have been transparent.......sort of.

I have shown you how messy my house gets here and here, but,  have I told you that it looks like that more often than not?

I have told you I do actually yell at my kids, but I haven't told you that, once in awhile, my throat is sore from how hard I have yelled at them.  It doesn't happen often.  People still tell me that they don't think I yell at the kids.  I do.  No, not all the time.  I don't need to.  But, just like my dad used to be....when I have had enough, I have had enough....so look out.  Learn the signs.  LOL 

I love Rainman.  I really do.  He is an awesome human being.  But, I haven't really told you that he is annoying and gross sometimes.  I have told you that in general terms.  I have shared that nobody ever told me that there would be times that I wouldn't actually "like" the man I married.  We do not have a perfect marriage.  It is not idyllic and romantic.  It is a constant dance of our own selifsh desires and actions, versus what will make the other person happy.   As I am typing this, I am thinking....oh man....now they will know what a jerk I am....how selfish I can be.  That sometimes, I sit in my chair and hope against all hope that Rainman will take us out to dinner, so I don't have to get up and cook.  Because, I just don't feel like it.  No good reason.  I just don't want to do it.

So, yeah, what you see on my blog is my life....sort of.

It is the carefully selected pictures and stories that I will allow you to see.

I guess that happens in real life too though.  We all have a "mom" voice that we use at the grocery store that is different than the voice that is used when rapping on the kitchen window when you see them doing something dumb in the backyard.  It is just that by having a blog I am inviting more actual strangers in to take a look.

I love my kids....more than I can truly describe to you.  But, ugg.....they do some...as Rainman would call them....boneheaded things.  Then they get yelled at.  Then they cry.  I usually don't tell you those stories on here.  Like the story of them playing catch with an open box of Cheerios in the kitchen.  Yes, no surprise here.....It ended badly.  That time though, Rainman did the yelling.  S-girl did the crying.  A-man did the flustered explanation of what they were thinking (Spoiler Alert:  They weren't).  And, the two of them did the cleaning up, while the other children passed judgment on them with snide remarks.  Which then escalated to both Rainman and I yelling at the rest of the kids to knock it off because they weren't helping and did they want us to remind them of the last boneheaded thing they did and got in trouble for?!?

It is NEVER dull here, that is for sure.

We ended up with 5 extra kids at our house a few days ago....all aged 6 and under.  So, we had 11 kids here and 2 parents.  It was actually a really good day.  Everyone had fun.  Only a few tears and boo-boos.  All in all, it was a good day.  I was exhausted when it ended and happy to see the extra kids go back home with their parents.

The next day, S-girl said to me, "Wouldn't it be great if we had 11 kids everyday mom?  Then we could have our own t.v. show and everything!"

Yikes!  I told her that I would love to have 11 kids, but that I didn't think I would want a t.v. show about our lives.  I don't want our "reality" out there in the world like that.  I like our relaxed, simple vibe around here.  I don't want to be judged by the outsiders about what we should or shouldn't be doing with our family.  I don't want to be judged for the mistakes we are making.  And, honestly...I don't want the masses to.....not like me.  That is what it boils down too.....just like a teenage girl....

Fear that I won't be liked.

On a side note:  There is "sort of" a version of us on T.V. already. We have started watching The Willis Family on TLC and take away the musical and dancing careers (LOL), that is pretty much how our family looks and runs behind the scenes.  Really.  But, again, comparison rears its ugly head and I think, "Why haven't our kids taken more advantage of the fact that we homeschool?  Why haven't they taken up song writing?  Why haven't they won dance competitions?  Why are my kids so.....normal....and average?"

We can't help but compare ourselves to others.  It is normal.  It is human.  It is dangerous.  I tell my kids that ALL THE TIME.  But, we grown ups need the reminder too. I need that reminder.  We all need to remember that what you are comparing yourself to is often a carefully constructed version of the truth.  Not a lie.  But, not quite the full truth either.  Like my blog.

I have an article coming up next month for Home & School Mosaics about rejecting being "Pinterest Shamed" for my summer with the kids.  I think I can take that to a whole other level with refusing to be "Life Shamed" by other people's lives.  To go ahead and take glimpses of their lives and enjoy seeing them.  To take ideas from what they are doing and trying with their family, but not think we are total losers if we don't operate the way they do.

I follow some awesome blogs.

There are life ones like Come Home To Roost.  She has awesome, beautiful children and takes amazing pictures.  But, if I am not careful, I end up comparing myself and thinking things like...."She is so skinny.  She has 7 kids and looks like that?!?  What is wrong with me?!?!?"

There are organizing/home ones like Sunny Side Up.  She is also another slim mom that takes great pictures, and she also has a brand new house that is becoming wonderfully organized.  If I am not careful, I could look around her world and compare myself.  I wouldn't come out on top.

There are crafting and creating blogs that I follow, like Whatever.  Another slim mom that takes beautiful pictures that decorates with colorful, fun stuff.

I think you are already getting to know my style of comparison, right?  My weak spots.

Having a blog is being part of a strange dance I am choosing to participate in.  I have a blog for a few reasons.  One of them is truly to keep my family and friends who now live thousands of miles away involved in what we are doing.  I also blog so I can get some homeschool curriculum for free by being a reviewer.

But, honestly, my other reasons are more selfish.  I want to have readership.  I want followers.  I want to be a writer.  There, I said it.  I want to turn writing into a job and make a little money on my blog.  So, I have to put things out there, that maybe I wouldn't normally tell a stranger.

What you are seeing here is reality. But, it is a small slice of our life.  A small percentage of the picture.  Not to say that what you see isn't real.  It is.  There is a LOT more to us than what you see here.  Some good.  Some bad.  Just like with the blogs I follow and have to fight the urge to compare myself too.  I am just seeing a small little slice of their lives too.  It is not as idyllic as it seems.

We all have to remember that just like movies and t.v. shows are....edited/more perfect/comical... versions of reality....so, is my blog.

So is Instagram.

So is Facebook.

This is my Goldberg's version of our life.   All based on truth, but prettied up a bit for your viewing pleasure.  Ha!

So, if you ever find yourself comparing yourselves to me, my family, my marriage, my way of homeschooling and feel like you don't measure up and you aren't....enough.

Just stop.

Don't do it.  You are enough.  You are your perfect version of....you.....and so am I.

Connections

Connections are important.

In the business and working world, the connections you make can be invaluable in this job and your next four.  It is called Networking.  Don't burn any bridges.  You never know how someone you meet today can help you get that job you really want next year.  Or something like that.....

Connections are important.

In electricity, the proper connections mean that your lights and t.v. will work and not for instance, start a fire because they were connected improperly.

Connections are important.

We had a new neighbor just move in recently.  We walked over and brought them some cookies to welcome them to the neighborhood.  I was reminded of when I moved to Georgia a little over 5 years ago now.  Hardly anyone reached out and connected with me/us.  We thought for sure there would be some of that famous Southern Hospitality and we would get some pecan pie or boiled peanuts....or something.

But, they didn't come.  We figured there was no way that they had missed us moving in....blond family.....six kids....all that jazz....we are sort of hard to ignore.

We did see our neighbor's teenage daughter out mowing one night, right next to the road...so, after a quick whispered conversation between Rainman and I about whether or not it would be creepy of us to stop and chat with her.....we decided to risk it and stopped, rolled down the window and started chatting.

First things first, that "teenage girl" was actually the mom of the teenagers that lived there.  She looked (and still does)  super young.  She looks just like......

Anna Trebunskaya from Dancing with the Stars....by the way.

So, it wasn't creepy of us at all.  Whew!

But, we had finally made our connection....with one person.  But, it was enough to help sustain me. Tina sort of saved my life.  I was so bummed to be living in Georgia away from everything I knew and almost everyone I loved.  So bummed.  So lonely.  So lost.  I also had to be the grown up and not let my kids know that I was feeling most of those things.  So, instead, I ate.  A lot.

But, that one tentative connection with Tina, started my love of Georgia and our new home.  She was a true friend.  She said things like "y'all" and "fixin'"....as in, "Y'all, I was fixin' to come over and introduce myself!"

My next connection came at the little country church that we decided to start attending.  We decided to try the church because it reminded me of my home church that I had grown up in.

Small, little, country church.

It was there that I met Miss Debbie, who would hold V-girl for me, while I sang in the little church choir.  It was there that I learned a little bit more how to discern what people with thick southern drawls were actually saying.  (It is harder than you think.)  We only stayed at the church for about a year partly because our kids ended up being 6 of the 7 children that attended that church.  But, my friendship with Miss Debbie carries on.

My next biggest connections came from the church we started attending after the little country church.  We found the church by accident really.  We drove by and saw a VBS sign and since our church only had 7 children (again....6 of which were mine), we didn't have VBS.  We all decided it would be fun.  The kids because it was a space theme....and me....because unlike my Minnesota VBS days....I wouldn't have to actually be in charge!  Yay!

So, we went to VBS and the rest...as they say....is history.  It became our new church home.

It is funny to hear people tell their stories and memories of first meeting our family that week at VBS. Again, we are a hard family to miss, you know?  It is funny to hear their ideas about the harried looking mom with a crazed look in her eyes that stumbled in with 6 kids. (I still don't think I looked like that!)  I have often wondered if they thought I was actually a single mom (since I haven't been able to fit back into my wedding ring since V-girl was born/the move to Georgia....see above reasons) What did they really think of the mom who, even though her 4 year old daughter was a little weepy everyday when she dropped her off, just gave her a hug...and left.   It wasn't that I was heartless and trying to dump my kids off with strangers so I could get a break....I just knew that S-girl is a very sensitive girl and that she would be fine....once I left....and she was.  She loved Miss Pixie and became her faithful little cling-on for the rest of the week.  And, I got a new friend out of the deal too. Pixie. (Yes, Toto, we aren't in Minnesota anymore.  We are in a magical land where people are actually named Pixie!)  

The longer I have spent at that church, the more connections I have made.  The ladies at church have truly become my Georgia family.  The list of names would be too long for me to list here!  They have been the listening ear for any and all things that have come up in my life.  The good and the bad. They are my sounding board on the big heart issues that my sisters and mom aren't here to deal with on a daily basis. They even stepped in and made food and took care of us after my thyroid surgery....just like a family would.

I was asked to share at church recently for Stewardship Sunday.  One of the things that I realized when putting together my notes for that, was that the connections I have made....with my neighbors and my church friends....is that these connections have become my hodge podge, stitched together, slight odd and quirky.... pseudo family.

My Georgia family that instead of saying things like "Uffda" and "You betcha" (but, let me say....we don't actually say that one - that is just in the movies) .......now says things like "Fixin'", "Y'all" and "Might Could".  And, yes, they really do say that last one.

What Is Love???

I am writing over at Home and School Mosaics today.

It is all about what Love IS....and what Love ISN'T.


http://homeschoolmosaics.com/love-is/

What Northerners Don't Understand About Porch Swings

When I lived in Minnesota, I didn't know anyone who had a porch swing.

I did know a few lucky people who had screened in porches.

But, nobody with a porch swing.

I suppose it could be because being outdoors in Minnesota is not always the most pleasant undertaking. One time of the year it is because of the snow and ice and the rest of the year it is because of......mosquitoes.

I did know a few lucky people who had screened in porches, and a few people that had wooden free standing swings out in their yards. My parents actually got one of those when I was in high school.

But, the northern version of these outdoor, grown up, swings were big chunky, log type structures.  Very at home in the woods and lakes of Minnesota.  In theory, they are a fantastic idea.



But, here, in the south, they have porch swings.

Smaller, delicate grown up swings, that hang from chains.....not logs.

Honestly, I remember seeing porch swings in movies and t.v. shows, like The Andy Griffith show, and having romantic visions of sitting out there with a sweetheart, holding hands, exchanging a few smooches.  Maybe even receiving a wedding proposal while swinging....he would drop down to one knee in front of me........

My mind was equally divided between thinking having a porch swing would be magical.....and, how unrealistic it was for people to actually sit on their porches in the spring and summer time....drinking mint juleps, or whatever unrealistic southern people drink.  (For the record, I have now learned that they would be drinking sweet tea or Coke....not mint juleps.)

Unrealistic.

Ridiculous, even.

Again, I plead mosquitoes.  If you have never lived in Minnesota, you don't understand.  The thought of sitting on my porch swing with that special buzz in my ears and slapping my shiny skin, that smells like Off, didn't sound appealing.

The idea, however, of  having a porch swing was magical.

But, I thought it was a kind of T.V. magic......unrealistic.  You know the kind of T.V. magic, where people don't lock their doors and nobody wakes up with morning breath, smudged mascara, creases in their face, or crazy unibomber hair.

Yes, unrealistic T.V. magic.

A pipe dream.

When we first moved to Georgia, we had a pool.  We even had a screened in porch. But, no porch swing.

At our new house, we have NO pool, but we do have a porch swing.

When we made the offer for the house, I actually asked for it to be included in the sale of the house.   They agreed.

Let me tell you, what I have discovered at our new house.

I was right.

Porch swings are magical.

T.V. magic is sometimes.....real.

Porch swings are wonderful and peaceful.

I love it.

I sneak out there when I need a moment away from the chaos inside our home.

I sit out there, balance my coffee on the porch railing, and read a book.

I watch the deer across the street.

I feel the breeze blow.

I watch the squirrels chase each other.

Sometimes, I just......swing.  I don't do anything.  I don't think deep thoughts.  I just....swing.

I have to admit that most of the time, I prefer to sit alone on the swing because then I can control the speed and frequency of the actual swinging (goodbye romantic notions of my teen years).

I will be sitting on the swing and eventually, a kid or two will find me and plop down in the chairs we have out there, and just chat with me.....if more than 2 kids show up, I scootch over and share the swing.

I love it....even if my initial reason for being on the porch was to sneak away from chaos.

When my mother-in-law was staying with us recently (recovering from falling and breaking her pelvis)....our porch was just one small step down, so she could come sit and get some fresh air everyday.

Life just slowed down.

We just sat.

Sometimes we talked.

Sometimes we would just sit and wait/hope for the leaves to move so we could feel the breeze.

D-man sits out there with J-girl.  They face each other and chat, one leg under them and one leg dangling over the edge, slowly pushing the swing.

L-girl now uses it to get away for some quiet reading time.

When this little guy was visiting us.....

I took him out the porch swing and sat with him.....just sat......he took turns looking at the leaves and looking into my face to make sure I was an okay person for him to trust....while I just slowly swung back and forth assuring him that I loved him and he was safe.....until he believed me and snuggled in and fell asleep.

Magical, I tell you.

We are getting to the point, weather-wise, that it is hard to sit outside....even in the shade......during the daytime hours.

But, I have discovered I like to sit out there as the sun is setting and watch the lightning bugs flashing in the yard.....sometimes that is peaceful and other times it is chaotic, because my littles are scurrying around trying to catch the lightning bugs to use as nightlights in their bedrooms.  Either way.....I am happy.

I have learned that the south might have bigger, scarier looking bugs than Minnesota.  But, the mosquitoes here are NOTHING compared to Minnesota.  I have never had the feeling  that I was being eaten alive like I did in Minnesota.

So, we sit out there at dusk.

We sit out there at night.

We sit out there in the morning.

In the fall and winter, I will once again, sit out there during normal business hours. 

Last winter, I  just took a little lap blanket and a cup of tea - sort of like a little old lady - I know.  But, it was cozy and relaxing.

It just slows down my life.

I fit on it sideways, so I can lounge with my feet up and watch the trees.  I need a pillow to do that for long periods of time though....the chain sort of digs into my back.

I have made one small change to make me love my porch swing even more....

I just need some cute and comfy pillows and it will be just about perfect.

The magic is real.

Northerners can't possibly understand how magical having a good, old fashioned, porch swing can be.

Honestly, they can't.

There are just too many mosquitoes up there.

A-girl's Birthday

A-girl is 14!  Gasp.  Choke.

Our birthday traditions around here have had to morph and change with the size of our family.  For birthdays, the whole family used to go out to the restaurant of the birthday girl/boy's choice.  But, as our family grew, that option became much more unaffordable.  So, now, the kids pick just Rainman or I to go out for a special meal.  I have to be honest here, Rainman is usually the parent chosen for these excursions (probably because he gets to spend a lot less time with the kids than I do).  This year, I was chosen for all the April birthdays (I think they felt sorry for me!)

On our way to the best burger place in town!  Don't you love A-girl's cat eye make-up thingie she has going on?

Then, it was home for presents.  A-man, as usual, gave a thoughtful gift of One Direction trading cards.

S-girl took a page from V-girl's book and "shopped on her floor", plus she made her a little yarn popsicle stick butterfly.

D-man strayed from his usual "coupon" for time spent with him and actually spent some $$$$$$ on new ear buds for her.

L-girl and A-girl got a few combined/shared birthday gifts this year.   Their first one was tickets for the 3 of us to go see Legally Blonde:  The Musical at our local community theater.

Have you tried this frosting yet?  We tried it for the first time with A-girl's cake.  You get this plain container for frosting and then......

.....add your flavor mix.  A-girl picked caramel.  It was honestly super yummy.  It didn't even taste very artifical....even though it obviously is.

She chose chocolate cake with caramel frosting.  She likes me to surprise her with decorations.  She still loves Peeps, so, as you can see, I went really fancy with my decorations.

Happy birthday by beautiful young lady.

Broken Heart

This post was one that I wrote back in 2010.  I was reminded of it last night, when S-girl and I were snuggling before bed.  She said, "You know, I used to think that boy really took your heart out of your chest and stomped on it."  I am not sure why she thought of that at bedtime last night, but, we had a little giggle about it, changed the subject and went to bed.

But, it got me to thinking about that time in my life again.  I thought maybe some of my newer readers might enjoy the story behind S-girl's remark last night.  So here it is:



Recently, I was telling my children about my very first "real" boyfriend.  I was a freshman in college.  I was in love.  I can't remember exactly why I was imparting this little bit of wisdom and personal history to my kids, but I know it was aimed at my oldest son and daughter.  As usual though, all of the kids were around, sort of listening too. 

I shared how I had totally fallen for him and when he broke up with me, I was devastated. Mentally, physically and spiritually devastated.  He and I attended a small Bible college together and when he broke up with me he told me that although he figured I was in God's Top 5 for potential wives for him, he wasn't sure I was in the #1 slot. (By the way, God's #1 draft pick for him arrived in the form of a cute, bubbly, redheaded, freshman our sophomore year!)  Anyway, I told the kids how he "Broke my heart" and "He took my heart out of my chest, stomped on it and kicked it across the floor".....or something like that. 

I am sure using such colorful phrases will have me nominated for some parenting awards, Mother of the Year, maybe.   I was sort of trying to be serious and sort of making light of my devastation at the ripe old age of 18.

Fast forward a day or two and this little sweetheart.....

 is snuggling with me on the couch.  Out of the blue she says, "Where did Jesus go?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "When your heart got broke, where did Jesus go?  You said the boy took your heart out and broke it and stomped on it, so, did He fall out when it broke?"

Cue a slightly panic stricken mother here, who, #1 needs to work on her visual imagery usage around  three year olds and who, #2 doesn't want to screw up said three year olds concept of God/Jesus/Christian theology.

I said something like this, "Jesus did live in my heart when it was broken, but he hung on really, really tight and he stayed and helped me fix my broken heart.  It took a long time and when your Daddy came along, he helped Jesus fix the last broken little bit of my heart."

She said, "Oh." and went back to snuggling.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

When I thought about it later, what I had come up with on the fly for S-Girl was actually true.  I really was broken and falling apart and embarrassed that I was letting a boy bring me down....but I couldn't seem to drag myself out of it.  I had pictured us married with children either pastoring a church or out on the mission field winning souls for Christ.  But, I wasn't #1 on his list of possibilities.  I am sure he told me that I was in the Top 5 as a way to soften the blow a bit, but it didn't.  It actually messed me up for quite a while, because I thought I was just never good enough for things....or jobs I wanted.....or people.

But, Jesus did hold on really, really tight and helped me put that heart back together again even though I did a lot of really dumb stuff after that trying to fix the heart break myself....or more accurately, trying to hide from the heart break and not ever, ever let that happen again!  And, Rainman did help fit the final piece of it back into place....ten years later.

So, now Jesus, Rainman and the six kids that are still with me on earth, can live in my happily healed, once broken and stomped on heart. 

I was God's #1 pick for this life, this man's wife, this mom...but maybe I should work on some child appropriate visual imagery for next time, huh?

Do you have any similar stories to tell?  Either of heart break or your child overhearing something you said and asking you about it?