Yes! This!

I saw this video this morning on Facebook and thought to myself....Yes.  This. This how I have felt for so long now.

It is sort of funny to watch a polar bear do it, but not so funny when you are trying to live your life and are dragging your head around, you know?

We have been trying to adjust my thyroid medication since my surgery. Started with one type.  That wasn't working spectacularly, so we switched.  We also realized that my vitamin D and calcium levels were really, really low.  So, I started supplements for those.

I felt better and more like myself....for a little while....then, it sort of gradually declined.  So slowly, that I was thinking it was all in my head.

Was I just becoming lazy?

I was feeling sort of "foggy" throughout my days.  Here, but sort of not here.  Hard to explain, but I just wasn't myself....in thought or deed.

I had a follow up appointment with my doctor last week and told him that I was still tired and not feeling like myself, but not so much that I could pinpoint anything.  I sort of trailed off at the end like, "....maybe this is just how I am....and I forgot....maybe I am just kind of lazy...."

My sweet, wonderful doctor, did a little half smile and told me that we would see what the blood work showed and save our judgments and self recriminations until after we got the data.

We got the results back and I am happy to report it wasn't just in my head.  My TSH numbers were way off.  So, we have increased my dosage of this second medication (so far I feel no different).

I am still tired as soon as I open my eyes in the morning.  I am still fuzzy and disconnected.  The only thing I do feel different about is I am mentally kicking myself a lot less. Although it is hard because, I do sort of feel like a loser.  My house is messier than normal.  I have gained back every bit of weight that I lost last year.  Seemingly mundane tasks like cooking my family dinner or getting laundry done just seem.....daunting.

I know Rainman is quietly feeling frustrated with me.  Thankfully I am married to a really great guy and he isn't saying or doing anything mean to me.  He just stomps a little bit when he has to load/unload the dishwasher...again....when he gets home from work.  That is when my brain kicks in and says, "Oh, yeah....that is what I was supposed to have the kids do before he got home."   Then it cycles into thoughts (when I let them) like "I am such a loser.  I am so stupid. I am such a horrible wife."

I cycles even further down that bad rabbit hole of thoughts, when I try to get dressed and things that fit me a few months ago now don't.  My wardrobe options at this size are already quite limited and even more so now that I have gained that weight back.  I don't want to go out and buy more "big lady" clothes.  I don't want to be that big lady.  I don't want to wear most of the styles that are available in big lady clothes.  But, when I am in the thick of it and letting my thoughts cycle downward, I just think, "I give up.  I am just going to be the big lady....pass the ice cream."

Much like a teenage girl, my self esteem still seems to revolve around how I think I look.  Even though I tell my kids that it is who you are that matters, NOT how you look.  I know that deep down inside....but, when you look in the mirror at the tight, ill fitting clothes....it is hard to believe it.

It does not help that we are getting ready to leave for Rainman's family reunion where I will be surrounded by his family who is 99.9%  slim and trim and eats/drinks as much as they want.  They are just naturally slim people and I don't think they have any concept for people who aren't built like them.  I love them.  They are wonderful, funny, fun people.  It is just hard to be around them and not feel like...well....a big, fat, loser.

In reading through symptoms of hypo-thyroid issues....brain fog, fatigue and depression are all listed there.  I think I am definitely at that point.  Again, it is frustrating to be able to identify a problem, but not really be equipped to do anything about it, or to take the time necessary to find the right balance of medications to help.

It is definitely a downward spiral....in all aspects.  I don't have energy, so I don't work my Jamberry business.  I don't work at my Jamberry business, so I don't make any extra money.  I don't make any extra money, so I feel bad about myself.  I feel bad about myself, so I don't care about my appearance.  I feel bad about my appearance, so I don't want to do things.  I don't do things, so I sit around my house and feel bad.

Blah, blah, blah.  Whine, whine, whine.  Right?

Good thing I have an all powerful God who knows me and loves me.  I know that.  I believe that.  I preach it to my kids.  Your worth is not tied into how you look....or even how much you accomplish.  I even have a fantastic husband that doesn't love me based on my looks (or even how great of a housekeeper I am).  

I need to beat myself over the head with that knowledge right now.....because, I really do feel like the polar bear shoving my face and upper body across the snow.  I really do.

Somehow, even though all my doctors told me it might take up to a year to get everything balanced just right in my system and for me to feel like myself again....it wasn't supposed to apply to me.  I was supposed to bounce back and be "me" right away.

It is always a huge bummer when you realize you aren't a super hero, but just a regular, old, person.

VBS Hangover

I have a VBS hangover.



In my wild and crazy life, that is the only kind of hangover I have these days.

Honestly, it doesn't depress me much.

The few times I did have an actual, old-fashioned kind of hangover was enough for me.

I am sure I have shared before that I have a love/hate relationship with VBS.

I have been in charge of music for the past few years.

I love it.  The kids are adorable.  The little ones trying to match my dance moves is adorable.  Their cute little voices singing (sometimes shouting) along is adorable.  It is fun. They are happy to see me (except sometimes the 5th grade boys aren't so thrilled with me).  I get lots of spontaneous hugs.  Introducing 106 little people to the fact that Jesus loves them and wants to work with them in their lives is fantastic.

I hate it too.  There are 106 little people talking when you are trying to teach.  There are 106 little people with different personalities and needs.  By the end of the week, there are 106 tired and cranky little people just waiting for the opportunity to have a meltdown.

It is exhausting.  Sure, I get my exercise from doing the dance moves and jumps over and over.

But, it is mentally exhausting too.

You see, I am, in fact, an introvert.

I can be an extrovert, when needed.

VBS is one of those times where being an extrovert is an advantage.

So, I pull out my latent extrovert tendencies.  I have them.  They are there deep inside of me.

I can pull out the frustrated actress in me.

The problem is that I get wiped out after my 3 hours of VBS.

By the end of the week, I have had a blast with these 106 little people and my brain is in a fog from having to be the bubbly, perky music director.  You know?

So, this week, life it back to normal at our house.

The house is a real mess, because last week when we walked in the door, I would announce to everyone that I didn't care what they did, as long as it was quiet.  I even encouraged them.....yes....encouraged them....to watch t.v......as much as they wanted.

That meant that the house fell apart around my ears....and I hardly cared.

But, this morning I care.....but, I have a VBS hangover, so I am moving in slow motion, clutching my head and wondering why the arches of my feet are still so sore.

But, I have made a start.

I have made lists.

Lots and lots of lists.

Lisst for me.

Lists for the kids.

I am going to be happy with that.

Lists are good.

Plans are good.

Coffee is really good.

Now, I just need a few of Rivet's arms and I will be good to go.

Broken Heart

This post was one that I wrote back in 2010.  I was reminded of it last night, when S-girl and I were snuggling before bed.  She said, "You know, I used to think that boy really took your heart out of your chest and stomped on it."  I am not sure why she thought of that at bedtime last night, but, we had a little giggle about it, changed the subject and went to bed.

But, it got me to thinking about that time in my life again.  I thought maybe some of my newer readers might enjoy the story behind S-girl's remark last night.  So here it is:



Recently, I was telling my children about my very first "real" boyfriend.  I was a freshman in college.  I was in love.  I can't remember exactly why I was imparting this little bit of wisdom and personal history to my kids, but I know it was aimed at my oldest son and daughter.  As usual though, all of the kids were around, sort of listening too. 

I shared how I had totally fallen for him and when he broke up with me, I was devastated. Mentally, physically and spiritually devastated.  He and I attended a small Bible college together and when he broke up with me he told me that although he figured I was in God's Top 5 for potential wives for him, he wasn't sure I was in the #1 slot. (By the way, God's #1 draft pick for him arrived in the form of a cute, bubbly, redheaded, freshman our sophomore year!)  Anyway, I told the kids how he "Broke my heart" and "He took my heart out of my chest, stomped on it and kicked it across the floor".....or something like that. 

I am sure using such colorful phrases will have me nominated for some parenting awards, Mother of the Year, maybe.   I was sort of trying to be serious and sort of making light of my devastation at the ripe old age of 18.

Fast forward a day or two and this little sweetheart.....

 is snuggling with me on the couch.  Out of the blue she says, "Where did Jesus go?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "When your heart got broke, where did Jesus go?  You said the boy took your heart out and broke it and stomped on it, so, did He fall out when it broke?"

Cue a slightly panic stricken mother here, who, #1 needs to work on her visual imagery usage around  three year olds and who, #2 doesn't want to screw up said three year olds concept of God/Jesus/Christian theology.

I said something like this, "Jesus did live in my heart when it was broken, but he hung on really, really tight and he stayed and helped me fix my broken heart.  It took a long time and when your Daddy came along, he helped Jesus fix the last broken little bit of my heart."

She said, "Oh." and went back to snuggling.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

When I thought about it later, what I had come up with on the fly for S-Girl was actually true.  I really was broken and falling apart and embarrassed that I was letting a boy bring me down....but I couldn't seem to drag myself out of it.  I had pictured us married with children either pastoring a church or out on the mission field winning souls for Christ.  But, I wasn't #1 on his list of possibilities.  I am sure he told me that I was in the Top 5 as a way to soften the blow a bit, but it didn't.  It actually messed me up for quite a while, because I thought I was just never good enough for things....or jobs I wanted.....or people.

But, Jesus did hold on really, really tight and helped me put that heart back together again even though I did a lot of really dumb stuff after that trying to fix the heart break myself....or more accurately, trying to hide from the heart break and not ever, ever let that happen again!  And, Rainman did help fit the final piece of it back into place....ten years later.

So, now Jesus, Rainman and the six kids that are still with me on earth, can live in my happily healed, once broken and stomped on heart. 

I was God's #1 pick for this life, this man's wife, this mom...but maybe I should work on some child appropriate visual imagery for next time, huh?

Do you have any similar stories to tell?  Either of heart break or your child overhearing something you said and asking you about it?

Egglo Entertainment - Review

This is a review for Egglo Entertainment.



This is a fantastic time to try a new this cool Easter activity/book/story.

We were sent a hard copy of the book, The Egg-Cellent Easter Adventure, written by Darcie  Cobos, AND we also got the Egglo Glow in the Dark Easter Eggs and a few other goodies.



If you are looking for a new way to do an Easter Egg hunt, or looking for a way to tie in the true Easter story along with a traditional egg hunt, Egglo Entertainment is a company you will want to know about.

This was a super fun way for us to jump into the Easter season a little earlier than normal.

We started on Ash Wednesday, when we got home with our ashes on our foreheads and I started reading the Egg-Cellent Easter Adventure book.  I say "started" because it is sort of a long book.  It is 40 pages...a little long for a quick kids read.  It is a little more chapter book, than storybook.

That would be my only (sort of) criticism of this book.  It has the look of a storybook, great illustrations, great storyline, but it is long and has big pages of reading.  Even though it was a great book, it was a little bit hard to keep the kids attention for a prolonged period of time.

I was actually sort of surprised by that because to me, it was a really interesting story.  Full of mysteries and adventure....plus there were opportunities for the characters in the book to learn to be better people....with real life examples I thought the kids would relate to.  (Like the oldest child always wanting to be in charge of everything!!!)

We also got a downloaded Adventure Audio version of the book, complete with "dings" when it is time to turn the page.  That made it a little easier for them to sit and listen to the book.  This way worked best when they were listening alone, so they could hold the book themselves.  The narrator was very professional and it sounded very radio theatre-like.  For just $2.99, this is a really great addition for you to have....especially if you are the type of parent that doesn't want to read the same book over and over and over.  Good option for parent and child!

Since, I wanted to read to all the littles at the same time, I read it aloud, but broke it up into 2 sessions.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, since this product is ideally for ages 4-13, I recruited D-man to be in charge of charging/hiding my eggs for our big egg hunt.

 (He made it pretty easy, because neither one of us was sure how the kids would do in  the dark and we didn't want anyone getting hurt.  This picture makes it look SUPER easy....but they were a little harder to spot in the dark.)

We did the egg hunt on a Sunday night.

I used the little scripture scrolls that I also received to fill the eggs.  They were like the scrolls the kids found in the story.  One would have a clue for their next egg and the other would be a scripture verse.

You can fill them with candy and other treats too, just like a traditional egg hunt.But these were really fun and teeny, tiny.

Okay, here is the truth.   Loved this product.  The kids loved the Egglo eggs.  I wish they would hold their glow for a little bit longer.  We wanted them to hold their charge, but then we had to wait for it to get completely dark, which meant that they lost a bit of their charge before being hidden.

I will be honest, I have always had a little trouble explaining the Easter Bunny and egg hunts to the kids as part of the real celebration of Easter.

Yes, I have heard the explanation that the egg itself is like the Trinity - Father, Son, Holy Spirit and the Egg - shell, white, yolk.  But, that didn't really sit well with me and I am sure that the kids could tell my lack of conviction in what I was talking about.  So, yes we did Easter egg hunts, but they were just a fun part of the springtime/Easter celebration.

With The Egg-Cellent Adventure and the Egglo glow in the dark eggs, I have a way to tie egg hunts into the true and wonderful Easter story.

Jesus is the light of the world.



Jesus lights our way in the darkness.

They opened and read every single scripture scroll too....V-girl obviously needed help reading hers.

Will all of our Easter egg hunts be down in the dark from now on?

No.

But you can bet that this is the start of a family tradition and I can tell you it was a memorable one for all of the kids....big and little. (They have organized and had their own Egglo Easter egg hunt every night since our first one!  They have also had good luck letting the eggs charge in the sunshine during the day and bringing them in and putting them under a lamp while they wait for it to get completely dark....then they recruit one of us older people to hide the eggs and off they go!  They have even taken them to bed with them for a little temporary night light. )

The kids want to put together an Egglo Easter egg hunt for our neighbors....and we are going to.  I just downloaded the sample scavenger hunt available on their website in the Egglo All Year Round section to use for that one.

This would be a fantastic family tradition to start, like we have.  But, it would also be a fantastic program to start at your church too.  It may take a little shift in mindset to get on board for a nighttime egg hunt with flashlights, but once you get the first one under your belt, you won't want to go back to the old way.

Seriously, there is something about the way they gleefully run around the yard looking for the little glowing eggs that is amazing....not in the, "I can't wait and see how much candy I can get kind of way", but in the joy of discovery, "Look!  I found it!" kind of way.

An, I see the light of Jesus....kind of way.....





It is just such an easy and fantastic visual message of Jesus and his love for us on the cross and it really solidifies the message that Jesus is the best light we can have.

You can get a dozen Egglo glow in the dark eggs for $9.99.  The Egg-Cellent Adventure book is also $9.99.  The Scripture Scrolls are $4.29 for a pack.  There is a program guide  that takes all of the thinking work out of putting on your Egglo hunt.  It costs $14.99 and has 60 pages of step by step guidance/instruction, activity, snack, and decoration ideas and printables to make for a super memorable event.

Take a look and see how other TOS crew members handled their Egglo egg hunt.  This is a really cool product.  Really.

Belated Good Friday...

I was cleaning out my purse this morning and came upon a drawing that S-girl did during our Good Friday service at church.

It sort of crushes me with its simplicity.  The sad faces, the tears on Jesus' face.

Deep Blue Bible

Who knew that you could review something like the Bible?  Not me.

But, it has been fun.

We have quite a few Bibles already floating around our house.  But, it was nice to get a Bible designed for kids.  And, I really liked that it was in Common English....so much easier to understand...even easier than my New International Version.



The Bible is published by Abingdon Press and is called the Deep Blue Bible.

I made L-girl and A-man share the Bible (since it has a target audience of about age 7-12)....but though they both wanted it all to themselves.  The campaigning started out quite civil with both sides presenting their case as to why they should be the one that got the new Bible.  I am sad to say that the fighting ending in a very "non-Christian" way.

So, now they have shared custody of it....although I think L-girl came out on top in the amount of usage.  A-man is easily distracted. 



The Bible we got has a flexible cover....not a paperback cover, which I like....hard cover books and Bibles always seem to fall apart at our house and paperback covers get ripped off, never to be found again.  This one has held up well.

So, onto the actual book.

Amazingly, I didn't have any trouble with the content of this book, AND, I actually agreed with everything the authors had to say!    Ha!

Obviously, the basic content of the Bible is the same....although the Common English is really a great, easy to understand version.

The ways that this Bible is set apart from other kids Bibles is the little thingies scattered throughout.

Like the "Did You Know?" trivia tidbits.

They also have little.....hmmmm.....personal challenges....or thinking assignments throughout....I mean other than the personal challenges that the Bible assigns to us anyway.

There are the Umbrellas.....

Lighthouses....

Life Preservers.....

And, there are sailboats......

 
So, what do all those "nautical/don't get wet" metaphors mean?

I asked L-girl to clarify them for me, and here are her responses:

The Umbrellas are notes that give help for different times and that explain that unhappy emotions aren't good for us. 

The Lighthouses are notes that help us grow into a rock solid faith with God right there in our lives.

The Life Preservers are notes that give us answers to tough questions and things that may be hard to understand in the Bible.

The Sailboats are notes to help us grow strong with God by pointing out good traits in our lives.

My personal favorite part of this particular Bible is the "I Wonder What To Do When...." section at the back.

See?  You can look up verses and passages that will help you when you are afraid, or depressed, or feeling guilty.  There are different sections for the Umbrellas, Lighthouses, Sailboats, and Life Preservers too.

The other thing that this Bible has is "I Bet You Can..."  reading challenges. 

 

This particular one is Ezekiel 43: 1-27 and the "bet" is that you can read it in 8 minutes.  L-girl is very competitive...even with herself.  She has done some of them already, but, I can see her going through the back of the book where all of these challenges are listed, getting the timer and just checking them off as she beats the clock.

One of the last unique parts of this Bible are the "Gods Thoughts....My Thoughts" sections.

These require some thinking, and are really what I would call devotionals.  Like the one called, "How Do We Follow God Today? which is based on Numbers 9:15-23.  There are a few paragraphs about the story from the Bible, ans then little examples of where the Bible has given us clear examples of what we should do....don't lie....don't steal...be kind and compassionate.  Then, it goes on to tell them that each specific situation they may face won't be talked about in the Bible, but that we can still use it to guide and direct us.  Each one of these Gods Thoughts My Thoughts sections ends with some questions to think about and answer honestly. 

Again, all of these sections (Gods Thoughts....Umbrellas, etc.) have a portion in the back of the book, so they are easy to find....especially if you are struggling with a specific issue in your childs life.  Are they feeling harassed at school?  There is a section for that.  Are they wondering why animals were sacrificed?  There is a section to help answer that question.  Are they stressed out?  There is a section of Bible verses for that.  (Honestly....I could see myself using this Bible sometimes just for those easy to find things.)

This Bible would be a great gift to give to a child and just let them explore on their own.  My church gives away Bibles once the kids hit 3rd grade....this would be the perfect Bible for that....because it isn't a babyish kids Bible.

This Bible would also be an awesome one for you to explore with your children.  Like I said, I really liked the Common English and I loved the reference area at the end that was in wording that I get...."stressed out"...."feeling harassed"...."feeling ungrateful".  I get those.  I can relate to those.  I need encouragement about those things.

This would even be a good gift for someone who already has a Bible.  I mean it when I say this Bible is really easy to understand...and, I would consider buying it for the reference section at the back alone.

You can get a copy of the Deep Blue Kids Bible from a couple of places. But, the cheapest places I found were Cokesbury who has it for $17.00 right now (as I write this) and at Amazon for $17.91. 

See what others on the TOS Review Crew thought about Abingdon Press' Deep Blue Kids Bible.



Disclaimer:  We received a copy of the Deep Blue Kids Bible for free, in exchange for an honest review.