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Monday, June 20, 2016

Thinking About Me

I have been thinking about myself quite a bit lately.

Want a little glimpse into what happens in this brain of mine?!?

If your answer was yes, read on!  If your answer was no, check back soon because I have graduation pictures and other stuff like that I will be sharing soon.  So, go ahead and scroll down for some pictures and ignore all the rambling thoughts I am about to share.

There is a constant mental conversation  (about me) happening inside of my head, but it gets shut down because stuff.

Which leads me to these kinds of questions:

At what point in life or motherhood is it bad to think about yourself?

At what point in motherhood is it bad to think about your own goals?

Your wants?

Your wishes and dreams?

Even though I think about "me" all the time, it is still sort of hard for me to think about me.

Hahahaha....did you follow that train of thought with me?  Did I lose you?

But, like I said, I have been thinking about myself and my wants more and more lately.

Part of my thought process is that I am starting to feel my age.  Realizing that I am officially a middle aged person.  That I am not necessarily the "young mom" anywhere I turn.  I am the veteran now.

When did that happen?

I have wrinkles.  Rainman and I both just recently looked at a picture of us and said, "Wow....we look old!  When did that happen?"  We were both sort of shocked and sad.  (Me more than him, FYI)

I get that because of my age, I am not expected to be fashionable or to look like a Hollywood mom.  But, a little part (sometimes a big part) of me wants to be fashionable and praised for my style and looks.  I don't want to wear the "mom jeans", elastic waisted slacks (uggg) or those patterned shirts with the big prints.

Yes.  I am shallow.

I am also thinking about myself more lately because of a conversation I recently had with a friend. We were talking about the doctors telling me that part of the management of the pseudotumor cerebri thingie that I have,  is getting my weight down and keeping it down.

We were commiserating about how hard that is and she said something that really stuck with me.

She said, the problem with someone telling us that we have to lose weight is that the act of losing weight and everything that surrounds differently.....exercising, etc., requires a certain level of selfishness and self focus - something we moms are horrible at.

Now, I am not one of those completely selfless moms that bends over backwards to do everything for my kids and make things easy for them.  I pride myself on helping create fairly independent, self sufficient children.  That being said, I am still a mom to 6 children (with 3 extras a few days of the week).  I love them all....dearly, whether they are my biologically connected people or not.

But, that love makes it hard to focus on me.  Just me.  There is just too much constantly swirling around me (diapers needing to be changed, somebody needing to be dropped off or picked up somewhere, meals to be made, cleaning to be done, boo-boos to be kissed, disagreements to be refereed) to really just focus on me.

And, to be shallow again for a moment, if you think for a second, that even in my late 40s that I do not want to turn heads and have strangers check me out, you would be wrong.  Completely, wrong.

No, I don't want to be harrassed, or objectified, but, I want that slight hesitation when I enter a room, a quick appreciative gaze and the sense of power that accompanies that feeling.

I remember that feeling.  It is a heady feeling.

(Apparently, I liked that moody/smirky look into the camera without smiling look back then!)

Have I just taken the advances of womankind back to the 50s?

The start of the whole pseudotumor cerebri thing started with a trip to the eye doctor to try and get fitted for contact lenses.  Why?

Vanity, that is why.

It started with a girls trip to Minnesota with my sisters and my mom.  My sister took my picture and we were getting a weird glare from my glasses, so she suggested I just take them off for the photo. When we looked at them later, I thought, wow....I look pretty.

I haven't seen myself as pretty for a very long time.

Which got me to thinking.....yes....about me....again.

I started wearing glasses exclusively when we moved to Georgia.  I started getting more and more creative with my frame choices too.  I saw it as a way to show creativity, quirkiness and some personality.

But, I think my glasses also became a way for me to hide when I started gaining weight. (As crazy as that sounds since I do not pick boring frames).  Maybe it was a a way to distract "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain", Wizard of Oz kind of a way that said...."pay no attention to the girth you see down below....eyes up here, everyone!"

My best friend just recently told me that she has never liked my blue/aqua glasses because she felt like they took over my face and hid me.

I think subconsciously, that is exactly what I was going for.  Giving people a way to describe me "The lady with all the kids and the aqua glasses." Instead of, "The big lady with all the kids".

There is this little sermonette floating around on FB about the devil and who he chooses to try to work against......and why.  This clip is a might long, but she is pretty funny, so it is worth it, if you have the time to watch it (especially if you happen to have sons....).

I sort of love her tough, no nonsense approach, don't you?

Anyway, that got me to thinking.....about my kids and who they will be....but, about me....and who I am supposed to be.  Or, who I was supposed to be.  Know what I mean?  Am I Sarah Connor?

Am I her?  Or, have I let myself be distracted and derailed away from who I was supposed to be, by doing something stupid like getting fat?!?

Am I supposed to be the fit, fabulous lady with a bunch of kids that can go to a waterpark with them and actually put on my suit and join them and not just hold all the purses and towels?  Am I supposed to be the fit mom that can share clothes with my teenage girls.  (that thought just made me laugh - because my girls would be horrified!)  But, you know what I mean.  We have seen those moms out there that can pull it off.

Or, is it time for me to let go and just be about my kids?  Is my purpose here to raise amazing and awesome little people that will grow up and do spectacular things?

I don't know.

I just know that I want to be, if not skinny, then.....skinnier.  Normal sized, not super sized.  I want to feel pretty.  I want to feel powerful. I want to take moody/smirky pictures staring into the camera and like what I see when I load them on my computer.

So, yeah, welcome to the inside of my head.

Fun place, right?!?!

So, do you want more glimpses into my head or do you want D-man's graduation pictures next?