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Monday, May 5, 2014

Broken Heart

This post was one that I wrote back in 2010.  I was reminded of it last night, when S-girl and I were snuggling before bed.  She said, "You know, I used to think that boy really took your heart out of your chest and stomped on it."  I am not sure why she thought of that at bedtime last night, but, we had a little giggle about it, changed the subject and went to bed.

But, it got me to thinking about that time in my life again.  I thought maybe some of my newer readers might enjoy the story behind S-girl's remark last night.  So here it is:



Recently, I was telling my children about my very first "real" boyfriend.  I was a freshman in college.  I was in love.  I can't remember exactly why I was imparting this little bit of wisdom and personal history to my kids, but I know it was aimed at my oldest son and daughter.  As usual though, all of the kids were around, sort of listening too. 

I shared how I had totally fallen for him and when he broke up with me, I was devastated. Mentally, physically and spiritually devastated.  He and I attended a small Bible college together and when he broke up with me he told me that although he figured I was in God's Top 5 for potential wives for him, he wasn't sure I was in the #1 slot. (By the way, God's #1 draft pick for him arrived in the form of a cute, bubbly, redheaded, freshman our sophomore year!)  Anyway, I told the kids how he "Broke my heart" and "He took my heart out of my chest, stomped on it and kicked it across the floor".....or something like that. 

I am sure using such colorful phrases will have me nominated for some parenting awards, Mother of the Year, maybe.   I was sort of trying to be serious and sort of making light of my devastation at the ripe old age of 18.

Fast forward a day or two and this little sweetheart.....


 is snuggling with me on the couch.  Out of the blue she says, "Where did Jesus go?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

She said, "When your heart got broke, where did Jesus go?  You said the boy took your heart out and broke it and stomped on it, so, did He fall out when it broke?"

Cue a slightly panic stricken mother here, who, #1 needs to work on her visual imagery usage around  three year olds and who, #2 doesn't want to screw up said three year olds concept of God/Jesus/Christian theology.

I said something like this, "Jesus did live in my heart when it was broken, but he hung on really, really tight and he stayed and helped me fix my broken heart.  It took a long time and when your Daddy came along, he helped Jesus fix the last broken little bit of my heart."

She said, "Oh." and went back to snuggling.  I breathed a sigh of relief.

When I thought about it later, what I had come up with on the fly for S-Girl was actually true.  I really was broken and falling apart and embarrassed that I was letting a boy bring me down....but I couldn't seem to drag myself out of it.  I had pictured us married with children either pastoring a church or out on the mission field winning souls for Christ.  But, I wasn't #1 on his list of possibilities.  I am sure he told me that I was in the Top 5 as a way to soften the blow a bit, but it didn't.  It actually messed me up for quite a while, because I thought I was just never good enough for things....or jobs I wanted.....or people.

But, Jesus did hold on really, really tight and helped me put that heart back together again even though I did a lot of really dumb stuff after that trying to fix the heart break myself....or more accurately, trying to hide from the heart break and not ever, ever let that happen again!  And, Rainman did help fit the final piece of it back into place....ten years later.

So, now Jesus, Rainman and the six kids that are still with me on earth, can live in my happily healed, once broken and stomped on heart. 

I was God's #1 pick for this life, this man's wife, this mom...but maybe I should work on some child appropriate visual imagery for next time, huh?

Do you have any similar stories to tell?  Either of heart break or your child overhearing something you said and asking you about it?

7 comments:

Karen said...

When Clay was little, he was so easy-going that I was shocked when one day he got mad and said, "Don Gone It!" I couldn't imagine where he had gotten it, until I heard myself say (quite frequently I might add, after I started paying attention), "Doggone it!" I still say Clay's version to this day...

Jill said...

Dear, Dear Kayla:
I am weeping as I write. I am so sorry for the way "that boy" treated you. I'd love to tell him today that he lost quite a gem in you!

You have, once again, reminded me, that out of something very dark, something very beautiful can blossom, if only we allow it. My one regret in life is that my children have not had an eartly father. Yet, as always, GOD knew what he did in allowing me to be the mother of these children as without them, I would be nothing.

You are an amazing mother. Your lesson to your children is a lesson to us all.
www.chillinwithjill.blogspot.com

Kandi said...

Okay, that's two deep posts in one week and I have loved them both. Your kids are really thinkers and it's so great that they are asking questions about Jesus. Very well written! :)

Alison said...

This post just made me grin ear to ear for a minute. I Just got bad news about a job and am feeling really down, but seeing that picture of my silly bear and just picturing her asking you that question just reminds me that even though I am dicouraged and poor financially, I am rich with the most priceless little cousins anyone could ever ask for! They make me smile just by looking at their pictures! I just love them to pieces. Thank you for bringing these little bundles of joy into my life!!

Anonymous said...

I remember that first boyfriend. They do have a way of breaking our hearts, but we do manage to get over it, don't we?

Kayla said...

We do get over those first boyfriends, but I know I am a changed person because of that experience....kind of interesting to look back on now that I am old! LOL.

Al, glad I could help bring a smile to you - just think you will get to see us soon - they are a lot cuter in person!!!

Karen, I don't think I have ever noticed that you say Don Gone It! Lada and Beev miss that little Clay! ;)

Jess said...

I LOVE this story! Little did you know what a perfect answer you were giving. :) I have been through all sorts of heartbreaking situations that at the time seemed like the end of my world. But now with time and perspective on my side, I can look back and see that I wouldn't be the person I am today in the place I am today (physically, emotionally, spiritually) had those things not happened. So what had been intended to break me, God definitely used to make me whole!