Recent Posts

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Much Needed Encouragement....Well....And a Little Whining too!

As you may or may not have guessed, my family was on vacation last week.  I will share lots and lots of pictures and opinions on the stuff we did starting tomorrow.  For today, I am going to whine a little and share a little much needed encouragement that I arrived home to.

For the whiny section of this post:

I have gained weight.  I have gained a lot of weight.  Some of it...maybe all of it....can be attributed to my thyroid stuff.  Whoever is to blame, it is hard to be a fat person.  I don't feel like myself.  I was flipping through the pictures of our trip last night....and I don't even feel like I am looking at me.  It feels like it is some cartoonish blown up version of me.  Like someone took one of those fancy apps from their smart phone and created the body that I am now walking around in.

We did a lot of walking on our trip.  It was hot.  I am sure that I looked like a fat, old lady walking around with the kids.  I can't believe it.  We would ride rides and the lap bar thingie would push on and bump into my belly.  I had a hard time fitting in some of the theater seats - which then reminded me of the last few times I have flown - where I had to ask for a seat belt extender because I couldn't get buckled.....which one time resulted in me having to switch out of the emergency exit row - because apparently if you need a seat belt extender - you can't help people in time of emergency. Yeah, that wasn't embarrassing at all.

I try to brush it off.  I try to just be in the moment and enjoy time with the kids.  But it bugs me.  It helped when my friend, Bridgette, who has also struggled with thyroid stuff and getting her medications right had the courage to share a picture of herself with me.  I honestly struggled to even recognize her.  She literally had to tell me which person she was in the picture.  It made me feel less insane.  Less of a loser.  It was so very helpful.....until I saw pictures of myself where I had a hard time facing the reality of what I look like.  All her "hang in there" advice went out the window and I was just focused on me again.

I had already decided before our trip that I was going to come home and try eating differently.  You know, cut out sugar, potatoes, rice...all that jazz.  Plus, my doctor changed my meds again.  (Fingers crossed) I do not relish having to constantly think about food or eating different things than Rainman and the kids are.  I know there is a way for us all to eat my way, but I don't think I am up for the initial whining and complaining that will greet me.  So, for now, it will be just me.  But, if I can get to the point where I actually look like the real me again, I will be pretty happy.  It is hard to be fat.

Now, for the encouraging part of the post:

I came home to this card in the mail.....

Yes....I noticed the front picture was a whale.  Yes, I found that funny.  Yes, I TOTALLY needed the reminder that I practically beat into my are beautiful and matter what size clothes you wear and don't forget it.

I know Rainman loves me - no matter what.

I know my kids love me  - no matter what.  I mean, for some of them, apparently my skwooshie-ness is part of the reason they love me!

The problem is me.

I am having a hard time loving myself at this size.

I am embarrassed and ashamed.

I know I have gifts and talents that God gave me that can be used, no matter my size.....but.....I am having trouble seeing past my girth to the good stuff hiding back there.

Back to the card I got when we got home from our trip.  I have been getting these cards anonymously for a few months now.  I am pretty sure it is someone from my church, because I don't know how else they would have my address...or know some of the stuff that they have been sending me encouraging words about.

But, let me be honest here (I know...shocker, right?)......when I first started getting them, I was a little creeped out - because it meant someone was watching me.  Plus, I thought......somebody must think I am a pathetic, needy loser, you know?

I am positive that wasn't their intent, but that is where my mind went, at first.  But, now, I look forward to them.  They give me a little pick me up - even if I am having a good day.

This one, that was so incredibly timed by God and whoever this person is....was much, much needed.

So, anonymous card sending person....thank you.  I needed this bit of anonymous encouragement.

This whale one, especially.